《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧

  Wanderseveryfivemiles
  焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)
  焦母Johnny’smother(Jmforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(Lmforshort)
  太守之子mayor’sson(mSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandc)
  Prologue
  (J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
  J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy
  wifeisWuSong.
  (指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
  (内砸出一脸盆,Ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
  mywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,
  smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender
  thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
  (内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
  mygod!Whocanhelpme?(下)
  Act1
  (序幕结束时,Jm作窃听状)
  Jm(拄拐棍上):Ican!
  (对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?
  L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?
  Jm:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
  dearestmother-in-law”.
  L:oK.mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
  Jm:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so
  lazy……
  L:But……
  Jm:Neverinterruptme!
  L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
  daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
  and……
  Jm:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
  L(生气地挥动着锅铲):oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)goandaskyour
  son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在Jm的脸上,下)
  Act2
  (Lm坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)
  L:mum,I’mback!
  Lm:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?
  L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.
  Lm(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouinsistedon
  marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten
  tome.Lookatyourself……
  L:But,mum……
  Lm:Neverinterruptme!
  L:mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightoK?And
  I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.
  Lm(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter
  Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo
  andtellhim.(下)
  L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅
  铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)
  Act3欢迎您访问 www.nx899.com
  (J睡眼惺忪上)
  J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?
  (走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下)　Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!
  (突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.
  (他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围
  　裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Now
  shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.
  Jm(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?
  J:mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!
  Jm(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice
  girl,goandtakeherback!
  J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!
  Act4
  (J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)
  A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
  Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)
  B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
  c:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)
  AB&c:giveusallyourmoney!
  J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出１角硬币):Is1maoenough?
  (三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)
  A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!
  B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!
  c:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarrymissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand
  robthewedding!
  A&B:goodidea!
  J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!
  AB&c:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!
  J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotorcedyet!
  (突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgo
  　withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.
  B:Haveyougotanyexperience?
  J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄１，０００，０００)
  Act5
  (转眼已到了婚礼之期．mS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)
  (J和三强盗跃至台中)
  ABc&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
  A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!
  B:AndIplantedonetree.
  c:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---
  J:giveusallyourmoney!
  (L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)
  L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)
  (mS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，mS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)
  J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向mS冲去）
  (J与mS混战，Jm上，以拐杖击晕mS)
  (J将mS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)
  J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?
  L(哭状):Ihurtalot!
  J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine.　(下)
  L(起身去追):Waitforme!　(跑下)
  (音乐起　canYoucelebrate)
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